All The crap I received for the efforts I put in Guides.

Deleted the previous entry. It was a rather messy one. Now, where shall I begin? Ohkayy, the story goes this way. This day, all the uniformed-groups in YTss came together for the Master parade rehearsal. Full of enthusiasm and Hope, I thought I could be the commandant for the Guides Contingent. But turn out to be, I became the emcee. Siti became the commandant.

harhar. History repeated. Sec 1 camp, from Camp Commandant to the resouce personnel. NDP, commandant to flag party. Now, commandant to emcee. I very much wished and hoped that I am able to take my sec2 and 3 squad in one parade. One parade is all I wished for. Yet, I don't even get to train them. Often, I had to take the Sec1s. Look, I am the drill instructor for sec2s and 3s. I never took the Sec1 camp and NDP "downfall" to heart. The teachers must have their reasons for it. So, I packed up my unhappiness and moved on, without telling anyone how I felt. I hid my feelings within myself. Since sec2, I have been keeping a lot of things to myself. I couldn't let any of my squadmates know because I felt that not many of them could understand me. I couldn't let my juniors know. All this while, I had been bottling all my emotions. Sometimes, I would breakdown all of a sudden.

This time round, I can no longer hide my feelings. Yes, I broke down. Cried the hell out of myself when I was in the canteen after the parade. Yes, I cried in front of my squadmates. Yes, I cried in front of two of my juniors. It was too much. Far too much for me to bear with the pain. Siti and I share the same rank, both drill instructors. The thing is, she gets appointed in the parade itself. What about me? A pathetic solo emcee. I don't blame Siti for it. She's still my friend and she has got nothing to do with it. I don't understand the teachers. Why do they want to give me a rank of the drill instructor for sec2s and 3s when they do not want me to take them in parades? It's hurting to see others taking your rank. I agree that recognition is not important, but what I'm upet with is about my squad. I have never taken them in a single parade. Yes, not even a single one.

I'm tired of all the false hopes that people have given me. I found hope in myself, in Guides, but this incident crushed it again. I am too tired to move on. I've lost faith in everything.